Version 2 is definitely tighter. Two things I miss from the first one: "Fingers pink and grow numb" (I could feel it as I read it, and it's always so weird that your hands get red when super cold instead of white); and I actually would prefer "Dragon breath hangs in the air"--"dragon" stood out in the first version as such an unexpected little piece of whimsy, and the perfect way to describe breath coming out in the cold.
Ah interesting, I took out dragons breath because I wasn’t sure people would know what I meant and think it was weird. None of my friends have ever called it dragons breath, that may go back in. And then I was thinking if the fingers were in the pocket you wouldn’t see them go pink.
It is fabulous having feedback, thank you. I will go ponder in my notes.
Those were totally off the cuff thoughts, though! Sometimes I am a little blind to the details like hidden fingers aren't pink until someone actually see them. I think I liked it so much because it brought me to that numb hands moment so immediately.
Off the cuff is perfect, because it’s a gut/visceral response. I’ve got about 3 versions now awaiting my decision. I will decide in a couple of weeks or so.
Your essay was clear as a crystal bell as my eyes and brain process information. In answer to which version of your poem I preferred, the second (your revision) is my choice. Your decisions to strike just a few “explanatory” phrases did not detract from the meaning. I felt your writing had become slightly more compact, which increased the punch for me.
Shakespeare wrote, “Take but degree away, untune that string, And hark what discord follows.” While hinting at word pruning, to my mind it resulted in harmony in your essay.
Again, Ms. TRCH, I find your writings and thinking to be delightful. So glad the Universe tossed me into your path to discover what you’re up to.
Version 2 is definitely tighter. Two things I miss from the first one: "Fingers pink and grow numb" (I could feel it as I read it, and it's always so weird that your hands get red when super cold instead of white); and I actually would prefer "Dragon breath hangs in the air"--"dragon" stood out in the first version as such an unexpected little piece of whimsy, and the perfect way to describe breath coming out in the cold.
Ah interesting, I took out dragons breath because I wasn’t sure people would know what I meant and think it was weird. None of my friends have ever called it dragons breath, that may go back in. And then I was thinking if the fingers were in the pocket you wouldn’t see them go pink.
It is fabulous having feedback, thank you. I will go ponder in my notes.
Those were totally off the cuff thoughts, though! Sometimes I am a little blind to the details like hidden fingers aren't pink until someone actually see them. I think I liked it so much because it brought me to that numb hands moment so immediately.
Off the cuff is perfect, because it’s a gut/visceral response. I’ve got about 3 versions now awaiting my decision. I will decide in a couple of weeks or so.
I look forward to reading the next version!
I also vote for version #2, for the same reasons. I love the idea that winter smells like freezing metal. So visceral.
Read it again and made it even tighter, and I think I could still do more. Does the editing ever end? 🤷🏼♀️
Yes, but sometimes...it takes years. 🙂
Ms. Three Red Cabbage Heads,
Your essay was clear as a crystal bell as my eyes and brain process information. In answer to which version of your poem I preferred, the second (your revision) is my choice. Your decisions to strike just a few “explanatory” phrases did not detract from the meaning. I felt your writing had become slightly more compact, which increased the punch for me.
Shakespeare wrote, “Take but degree away, untune that string, And hark what discord follows.” While hinting at word pruning, to my mind it resulted in harmony in your essay.
Again, Ms. TRCH, I find your writings and thinking to be delightful. So glad the Universe tossed me into your path to discover what you’re up to.
Thank you